Understanding the Highly Sensitive Child
Highly sensitive children (HSC) are born with what is labelled as “sensory processing sensitivity” and as a result have a heightened sensitivity to their internal and external environment. They are often empathetic, intuitive, emotionally aware, creative, thoughtful, observant and have a strong sense of morality. This means they notice subtle stimuli (like a slight change in tone of voice or facial expression) , process more deeply, can become overstimulated easily, and become emotionally reactive quickly. What can sometimes be referred to as “dramatic” is the child taking in more information than their nervous system can handle.
Common Characteristics of Highly Sensitive Children
Emotional intensity: HSC feel deeply and managing those feelings can be hard. They benefit greatly from borrowing the nervous system of a trusted caregiver to settle down (coregulation) and being taught techniques they can use to help themselves.
Strong need for routine: HSC thrive on routine, clear expectations and predictability. They often want to know what will be happening ahead of time to help prepare themselves. For this child, the unknown can trigger anxiety and knowing this can help parents understand that when the child continues to ask for details, it is an attempt to prevent an anxious response.
Intense sensory experiences: Since the HSC notices more in their external environment, sometimes sounds, lights, smells, tastes, and textures can feel too much. This can extend to food, clothes, social outings and environment. Learning about your child’s sensory profile – what they tolerate, what they don’t, what they need and how they calm down is beneficial in reducing overwhelm and meltdowns.
Meltdowns
Meltdowns are not tantrums. Tantrums tend to be goal oriented, where the child wants something or is trying to avoid something. It comes from a place of frustration. Once they get what they want or it is made clear they will not be getting it, the tantrum tends to settle quickly. Meltdowns are the result of an overwhelmed nervous system and can take a long time to settle down, even after the initial trigger is removed. It comes from a place of overwhelm, anxiety, fear, sensory overload or exhaustion as opposed to frustration or anger. Meltdowns are emotionally heavy for both the child and the parents. The child may feel emotionally and physically drained afterward, benefiting from parental support to help recover. When the child is older, they may also feel guilty, ashamed and/or confused after a meltdown. Explaining gently why it happened and what can be done in the future is beneficial in helping the older child learn tools to help themselves.Strong awareness of subtle details
Changes in tone of voice and facial expressions can be noticed immediately by HSC. This is challenging for parents because the way something is said can be enough to cause an emotional reaction from the child. This can leave parents frustrated and emotional themselves as it can feel like they can’t have an “off” day without affecting the child, leading to feelings of overwhelm from pressure to perform.
Perfectionist tendencies
HSC may be very hard on themselves if something feels “not right” or incomplete. Shame can surface easily and HSC can become explosively angry when they feel intense shame. Asking why they are upset and what they feel went wrong can help gain a deeper understanding of what the child is struggling with. School can exacerbate these tendencies as the child becomes praised and rewarded for their perfectionism, making any less than perfect feedback feel like a personal failure. Sometimes, a private discussion with the teacher can be helpful in this regard.Frequent questioning
HSC tend to ask many questions to help them understand the world. Ensuring the answers are relevant, age appropriate and do not always open the door to more questions can help avoid feeding the child’s anxious tendencies. This is a delicate balance, but especially regarding topics that are very sensitive. Providing enough information to allow comfort for the child but not introducing new topics that could exacerbate their anxiety is where the common struggle lies. Often school age HSC ask big questions right before bedtime, if they are not answered in a way that closes the conversation well enough the child may have a hard time sleeping due to their “what if” thinking.Heightened sensitivity to pain
Physical discomfort or pain may feel more intense for HSC than it does for other children. Everyone has a different pain threshold that is affected daily by various factors. Leading with compassion here can help support the child.
The Easily Overlooked HSC
Highly sensitive children are not always soft spoken, quiet or introverted. High sensitivity is about how deeply stimuli/information is processed by the person, their nervous system responsiveness and the intensity of their emotions. Some HSC are reserved and quiet, while others are outgoing and full of energy. If high sensitivity is only linked to quietness than the vocal, active and assertive HSC will be overlooked. It is important to note that the external behaviour of a person does not speak to what they are feeling inside. When the outgoing HSC is overlooked, it is easier for adults in their world to miss their signs of overwhelm, the chance to co regulate, and teach coping strategies.
When parents understand high sensitivity, it empowers them to respond with compassion and support that helps the child to feel safe. It also enables the parents to share tools with other adults (family, grandparents, teachers) so that the child continues to feel safe and supported by those surrounding them. If you know, or suspect that your child is highly sensitive, learning about their nervous system, what overwhelms them and how they are best calmed is the first step to supporting them. The second is to learn about your own nervous system, temperament and helpful regulation strategies as this will help prevent getting stuck in a loop of overwhelm, even when everyone truly is trying their best.